Bad Romance.
I’m caught in a bad romance. Its not even a romance. Not even a roma. Its more all in my head. Seriously, if I were reading about me, I’d tell that chic to get the h-e-double hockey sticks outta dodge. Contemplation reigns supreme these days. At least I have the uncanny ability to leave it in the car and not bring it into work. Its the driving that gets me thinking…and the thinking that gets me upset…and the getting upset that causes pain.
I just need to say what’s on my heart and mind. Just get it out there, and as they say, let the chips fall. I have to be ready for the consequences, good OR bad. Most likely bad. I really don’t want to jeopardize friendship, but I don’t want to continue kidding myself into thinking I can actually handle this.
I’ve been addicted to peppermint bark this holiday season. My bible study leader was giving out presents and it included massive amounts of chocolate, including…yes. the peppermint bark I’ve been craving.
In other news, I purchased this fabulous headband today at ROSS. Its got subtle purple tones in it, which I love. AND its vintage…or retro. Wait. According to wikipedia, retro is the proper term.
I don’t really give gifts, but I have a couple I’m giving this year. I always get super excited giving people presents because I don’t do it often and I like to be original. Here’s the supposed-to-be-awesome wrapping job I did on one of my gifts. It didn’t come out evenly, but hey, its the thought, right?
I love being creative.
I’m continuing to read Purpose Driven Life. Chapter 6 really got me thinking and challenged me.
“Life on earth is a Test. God continually tests people’s character, temptations, obedience, love, integrity, and loyalty. words like trials, temptations, refining, and testing occur more than 200 times in the Bible.”
“Life on earth is a Trust. Our time on earth and our energy, intelligence, opportunities, relationships, and resources are all gifts from God that he has entrusted to our cared and management. We are stewards of whatever God gives us.”
“Life is a temporary assignment. To make the best use of life, you must never forget two truths: First, compared with eternity, life is extremely brief. Second, earth is only a temporary residence.”
Managing money and time are only a couple things I struggle with. God is always testing me on trusting Him with those things.
A couple weeks ago, God told me to write a check. A check for an amount I did not have. He kept telling me and I kept telling Him, “don’t you see how much money I have?” He again gently told me to just write it. So I did. The next day, I picked up my paycheck from work. I almost fell over when I saw that it would more than cover the check I wrote. I could not believe God would choose to bless me. Little ‘ol me. I will always remember that when times are tough.
I’m supposed to have another portrait session tomorrow morning, but I think it might have to be rescheduled. I NEED more…and its up to me to get it. THANK YOU friends who tell your friends about me. : D I love you.
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Race & Grace.
This past weekend was amazingly fantastic. My heart fills with joy seeing my friends having the time of their lives.
I went up to Willows (where the heck is Willows?!)
Willows is south-west of Chico. North of the Bay Area…right off the 5.
There’s a race there. At Thunderhill, called 24-Hours of Lemons. For more info click here.
Here is the car that my friends bought and raced there.
This car is intentionally based off the ambulance in the movie, “Cannonball Run.” My friends who raced this car clearly had an amazing weekend.
Right before the celebration toastS. I choose to capitalize the S because there was more than one. : D These guys are awesome. There is another driver in front…unfortunately, only his right arm made it into this frame. My battery was supposedly out of juice at this point…I did the best I could.
Thankfully there was another photographer there (aka Joel).
As you can see here, he’s protecting Colby (who’s back is to him) with his bazooka (aka Sony’s 70-400mm lens). I will admit…its…a decent lens. There. I said it.
So what about grace? Although I was soo busy running around taking photos all weekend, God managed to do some work on my heart. I had the opportunity to see God’s grace through a person. When I thought I had lost, I hadn’t lost anything. And to make things better, God demonstrated the perfect moment and time for resolution. I couldn’t have planned it better.
So there ya go.
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diamonds.
“What?!”
“Diamonds.”
“Diamonds aren’t little things.”
“Little diamonds are little things.”
Lyrics from , “Little Things.” by this band my friends are talking about, called Pomplamoose. I went to see them last Friday in San Francisco. I never get out there, so I was happy to be invited.
And now for something completely different…
I’ve been reading “Purpose Driven Life,” which I’ve had in my possession for years but never got around to reading it. I just started chapter 3 yesterday and have been meditating on it the past couple of days. I suppose I’ve always known this about me, but it was brought to me in a new way through this book.
I seem to allow my past regrets/actions to shape my future. And I’m unconsciously punishing myself by self-sabotaging my potential successes. God has forgiven me of my sins! He has forgotten my past transgressions! The Bible says, “What happiness for those whose guilt has been forgiven!…What relief for those who have confessed their sins and God has cleared their record.” – (Psalms 32:1). Why can’t I do the same? If God, the creator of the universe and all things in it can forget about my sins and forgive me, why is it so difficult for me, a human, to accomplish this? It seems like such an easy task…
Isaiah 26:3 says, “You Lord give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in You.”
I have noticed times of perfect peace when I put ALL of my trust in Him. But why can’t I trust Him with my finances or my career? There’s a roadblock keeping God out and I so much want to knock it down.
I had a portrait session this past weekend. I’ve known this couple for a couple years now and I finally got the opportunity to photograph them being themselves and me getting out of my comfort zone. They are one of the coolest, funnest couples I know. I need more portrait sessions…badly. Not just for the money, but for my sanity. I realized how relaxed and how much fun I was having. I desperately crave more!
These are two of my favorites from the day. : D
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Look Around.
Youll get no answer from me
About what I want or what I get
Brave enough to speak afraid to see
Confuse the issue till you forget
And Ive tried
To finally decide
Why
Im in your face
And if you cant already tell
I am unable to let things go
Im told I do it very well
But more important you should know
That all the same
Youve got no one to blame
But yourself
If you call that a waste
Cause it aint me
Thats been hurting you inside
And if youve learned
Youll know much more than i
That youre gonna have to go and find it
Youll have to dig beneath the ground
Youll have to unearth every ugly stone
That kept you on your own
And simply put them down
Youre gonna have to look around
Youll get no answer from me
About what I get or what I want
That was enough to make her leave
Shes not the first one come and gone
And I dont care
Buyer beware
Of me
Cause it might get rough
If you want peace then live alone
If you wanna hide then find a stage
Each a brief but perfect home
To accommodate your rage
And sometimes
In the midst of all my crimes
I feel lost
Or have I lost enough
Remaining friends
Remind me as they say
Its up to you
The things you throw away
And still youre gonna have to go and find it
Youll have to dig beneath the ground
Youll have to unearth every ugly stone
That kept you on your own
And simply put them down
Youre gonna have to look around
Youre gonna have to look around
Youre gonna have to look around
-Blues Traveler – Look Around
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talk.
Soo…I had this post all ready to go, and somehow it got erased. Gotta love technology. Let me see what I can remember…
Today I worked with this woman who I haven’t seen since training. She was lovely to work with and I look forward to working with her again. As the day progressed, we talked about other employees, who we’ve met and who we like working with. I mentioned this one particular person, and she immediately reacted with some strong negative feelings. She then proceeded to tell me this story, all of which ended badly, in that I shouldn’t have listened. One of those things you wish you didn’t know about someone. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. I tend to be naive about people, so it always surprises me when I hear about a person’s struggles or about something bad they have done. I know people can be really sick…but when its someone you know, it takes on a whole different meaning.
Saturday I looked at a possible room to rent. My first of a few. I brought along a male friend of mine, just in case the guy was creepy and/or to give me some perspective. The room itself is tiny, while the closet could MAYBE fit one shirt and one pair of pants. That I can deal with. However, upon meeting this man, I discovered something was a little “off” about him. He seemed darty-eyed and he was speaking fast. I asked my friend the next day what he thought. I got more than I expected. He referred to him as, “squirrely” and mentioned that he might be on the influence of something. Needless to say, I probably will not be living there. I do look forward to the other places I have yet to see. And when I move again, I will have reinforcements! It pays to have friends with big trucks.
Also this weekend, my week long sore throat turned into a cold. I thought I was gonna pass out today. The room was spinning and I felt delirious. Very strange. Anyway, I’m getting lots of rest and should be feeling better tomorrow.
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thunder. lightning. rain. wind.
Thunder. Lightning. Rain. All overnight and this morning. And now, the wind returns. This used to keep me awake at night, but now it sort of rocks me to sleep. I’m going to miss that.
I looked at a room this afternoon. The first of a few meetings I have lined up. The condo where the room is was really small and the room was (according to the guy that lives there) 10×10, but it felt like 8×8. The closet is super small as well. I realize I cannot be picky about such things, mostly because I just need to find a place to live and get out of here. I have 2 weeks. I’m not sure how its going to come together, but I know God can do anything, so I must put my trust in Him. He provided the place I live in currently, my new job, and a grace everyday that is not only new every morning, but completely indescribable. I pray for this grace hourly and it is given.
My new-found attitude is all from God as well. Daily I marvel at the way He has changed me. Only God can change a mind like this. Only God can heal a broken heart. If only I wasn’t so stubborn sometimes!
Next week is the 1st annual Sanctuary retreat. I’m very much looking forward to this. I plan on waking up a little early, probably Saturday morning, and going on a walk, probably with camera in hand. The place is on the beach, and there’s a lighthouse. I need this God time…time to reflect and listen. I don’t do enough of that. God has so much work to do in me; I’m excited that this has already begun, but I’m looking forward to what He has in store.
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Matinee
Thank you, Pandora! : )
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
The rain falling
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I’m calling in sick
So I can lose myself in a dark room
With two old ladies laughing when I do
And the ushers are watching too
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I think I love you
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I’m hoping you love me too
Hoping so hard that I need to escape
And calm down my heart to a regular pace
But I miss your hand on my knee
What a wonderful way
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I leave the theater, it’s light out, it’s light out
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I’ll call you later, tell you what the movie was about
And you’ll laugh and ask why I went alone
And I’ll lie and say I thought everybody’d already seen that one
But you would have gone
You would have gone
Oh you would have, you would have gone
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SPD – Week 1 & 2.
Week 1
Wasn’t so bad. I met some really cool people and got to work with some people I had trained with. The first day was in Alameda at SJNDHS. One girl in particular, Sarah. She reminds me of me a lot, which is awesome because she knows her stuff and is a great teacher. During one of our breaks, we started talking about what she does during the off-season. She mentioned that she does video editing and sound, and she did this on a cruise ship. They also hire photographers, which I thought would be awesome! She told me I should look into it. I applied at this central place that caters to all the cruise lines, but I think it would help if she gave me a good word, which I’m hoping she will. I could be going to any number of places, including the Caribbean, the Mediterranean, or Northern Europe. I’m excited at just the possibility of such an adventure.
Second day at work, at TRMS, I met Joe. He’s really awesome. I’m not sure which I did more of: work or joke. I love meeting people I immediately click with. I also worked with a couple people from training. I’m looking forward to working with J again at the elementary schools.
Friday I worked at ASH, in Antioch. I had to be there at 12:30p, so I could sleep in a little. : D Although that seemed like a good idea, I honestly got up at 9a. I met these two guys who are Spanish speakers that photograph weddings and events together. Then on Sundays, they’re clowns. As in, afro wig, white paint, big red shoe clowns. They were also very cool to work with.
I’m a little concerned at where I’ve been placed. I want to be challenged, I like to be challenged, but so far its been smooth sailing. Not that doing an easy task doesn’t have its good times, and I’m happy to have a job at all, but I would like some opportunity to be on-camera more often. Thursday was great because J just let me on-camera and didn’t really bother me. Later though, he went through the photos and told me what I could have done better. I recognize what’s lacking, so I’m looking forward to working in that.
Week 2
Its only the second day, but I’ve learned so much. I was at JAMS yesterday and today. I’ve met Val, Jenn, and Vicki so far. Val is awesome. She let me photograph a few kids today and told me what I can work on to be better. When she left me alone I seemed to do better. I have the, “looking over my shoulder” syndrome, which means I get really nervous and perform poorly when someone is looking over my shoulder.
Vicki is also awesome. She told me (in her Asian accent) that I, “need to find a boyfriend.” haha I guess Angie isn’t the only one who gets that.
A lot of gossip going on yesterday and today. I really try not to get sucked into that…but its not easy. Its a conscious effort to refrain from adding to their comments. Such as, there’s this sales rep that came in and he seemed cool…we seemed to get along well. After he left yesterday, one of the girls says she can’t stand him and tells me he’s two-faced. I honestly cannot believe that someone could be that way. I understand its out there, but its something I can’t do. He was in today and taking photos with his phone. I called him on it and he flat-out lied to me. I wonder who he’s sending these pictures to and if they really care. We got the job done and we were on time. The ladies helping out also said we did “great!” so what are the secret photos for??
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Lifetouch.
I officially start working tomorrow, but last week and Thursday/Friday of the week prior was training. Paid training. Going into this, I had it in my head I was gonna work with high school kids…that way I could get into the senior portrait division, but God had other plans.
Skipping back to the first day of training. We all sit down, put on our newly acquired (more like newly hand-written) nametags and await instructions. First off, grab a partner and ask them 3 questions about them. Most of them said things such as, “This is Catie. She likes movies, music, and photography.” My partner, Tashelga, asks me where I’m from, how old I am, and about my purity ring. Answers: Alaska, 30, and my purity ring represents my sexual purity before God. I told her that I grew up in the church with those values, but as a young adult, decided to do my own thing and eventually came back to those original values and morals. She wrote all of this down to tell the class. Immediately, I felt really nervous…anxious…and nervous again. I wasn’t ready for the judgements I was sure to receive (or so I thought). As she started talking though, I felt this wave of peace over me. Suddenly it didn’t matter what others were thinking. A couple of people actually came up to me during the week and asked me about it. One girl said she was planning on buying one after hearing my story. That’s pretty cool when you can influence someone’s life in a positive way. I don’t have much experience with that, so its sort of a big deal for me.
Later in the week I started noticing people missing at the beginning of the day. Supposedly 12 people have left since the beginning of training. One guy got fired on the last day of training. That would be so awful, considering how tough it is to find employment these days. Another guy came back from lunch a little more energized than usual. Turns out (I heard from someone else) I guess he was on speed or something. Awesome. My thought is, if I can get through this, anyone can. However, you never know what someone’s life entails.
There was a younger girl I trained with that I wanted to punch. I’m not a violent person at all and I probably wouldn’t have actually punched her, mostly because I realize what the consequences of my actions would be, but I thought if I didn’t, someone should. Anyway, she (as I did at that age) thinks she knows everything and is basically better than everyone else. She wanted to get into the senior portrait division as well. Along with not being a violent person, I’m also not an arrogant one…sometimes that works to my advantage, sometimes it doesn’t. She’s definitely the arrogant type, so she’ll probably get there and I’ll be doing the School Portrait Days (SPDs) all year. I really hope the “vets” like me enough to keep me around and put in a good word for me. The, “vets” are the people that have been there a while.
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Twists and Turns.
Life Update:
Living with the Waltenburg’s has been a most joyous experience. I (and many others) have noticed a change in my demeanor, attitude, and my overall outlook on life. And its not just external. My usual internal anxiety and nervousness hasn’t been as much of an issue lately. Now mind you, I am nowhere near perfect, nor am I pretending everything is fine when its not. And I still have a journey ahead of me…at least I see the light at the end of the tunnel now.
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