Look Around.
Youll get no answer from me
About what I want or what I get
Brave enough to speak afraid to see
Confuse the issue till you forget
And Ive tried
To finally decide
Why
Im in your face
And if you cant already tell
I am unable to let things go
Im told I do it very well
But more important you should know
That all the same
Youve got no one to blame
But yourself
If you call that a waste
Cause it aint me
Thats been hurting you inside
And if youve learned
Youll know much more than i
That youre gonna have to go and find it
Youll have to dig beneath the ground
Youll have to unearth every ugly stone
That kept you on your own
And simply put them down
Youre gonna have to look around
Youll get no answer from me
About what I get or what I want
That was enough to make her leave
Shes not the first one come and gone
And I dont care
Buyer beware
Of me
Cause it might get rough
If you want peace then live alone
If you wanna hide then find a stage
Each a brief but perfect home
To accommodate your rage
And sometimes
In the midst of all my crimes
I feel lost
Or have I lost enough
Remaining friends
Remind me as they say
Its up to you
The things you throw away
And still youre gonna have to go and find it
Youll have to dig beneath the ground
Youll have to unearth every ugly stone
That kept you on your own
And simply put them down
Youre gonna have to look around
Youre gonna have to look around
Youre gonna have to look around
-Blues Traveler – Look Around
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talk.
Soo…I had this post all ready to go, and somehow it got erased. Gotta love technology. Let me see what I can remember…
Today I worked with this woman who I haven’t seen since training. She was lovely to work with and I look forward to working with her again. As the day progressed, we talked about other employees, who we’ve met and who we like working with. I mentioned this one particular person, and she immediately reacted with some strong negative feelings. She then proceeded to tell me this story, all of which ended badly, in that I shouldn’t have listened. One of those things you wish you didn’t know about someone. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. I tend to be naive about people, so it always surprises me when I hear about a person’s struggles or about something bad they have done. I know people can be really sick…but when its someone you know, it takes on a whole different meaning.
Saturday I looked at a possible room to rent. My first of a few. I brought along a male friend of mine, just in case the guy was creepy and/or to give me some perspective. The room itself is tiny, while the closet could MAYBE fit one shirt and one pair of pants. That I can deal with. However, upon meeting this man, I discovered something was a little “off” about him. He seemed darty-eyed and he was speaking fast. I asked my friend the next day what he thought. I got more than I expected. He referred to him as, “squirrely” and mentioned that he might be on the influence of something. Needless to say, I probably will not be living there. I do look forward to the other places I have yet to see. And when I move again, I will have reinforcements! It pays to have friends with big trucks.
Also this weekend, my week long sore throat turned into a cold. I thought I was gonna pass out today. The room was spinning and I felt delirious. Very strange. Anyway, I’m getting lots of rest and should be feeling better tomorrow.
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thunder. lightning. rain. wind.
Thunder. Lightning. Rain. All overnight and this morning. And now, the wind returns. This used to keep me awake at night, but now it sort of rocks me to sleep. I’m going to miss that.
I looked at a room this afternoon. The first of a few meetings I have lined up. The condo where the room is was really small and the room was (according to the guy that lives there) 10×10, but it felt like 8×8. The closet is super small as well. I realize I cannot be picky about such things, mostly because I just need to find a place to live and get out of here. I have 2 weeks. I’m not sure how its going to come together, but I know God can do anything, so I must put my trust in Him. He provided the place I live in currently, my new job, and a grace everyday that is not only new every morning, but completely indescribable. I pray for this grace hourly and it is given.
My new-found attitude is all from God as well. Daily I marvel at the way He has changed me. Only God can change a mind like this. Only God can heal a broken heart. If only I wasn’t so stubborn sometimes!
Next week is the 1st annual Sanctuary retreat. I’m very much looking forward to this. I plan on waking up a little early, probably Saturday morning, and going on a walk, probably with camera in hand. The place is on the beach, and there’s a lighthouse. I need this God time…time to reflect and listen. I don’t do enough of that. God has so much work to do in me; I’m excited that this has already begun, but I’m looking forward to what He has in store.
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Matinee
Thank you, Pandora! : )
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
The rain falling
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I’m calling in sick
So I can lose myself in a dark room
With two old ladies laughing when I do
And the ushers are watching too
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I think I love you
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I’m hoping you love me too
Hoping so hard that I need to escape
And calm down my heart to a regular pace
But I miss your hand on my knee
What a wonderful way
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I leave the theater, it’s light out, it’s light out
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I’ll call you later, tell you what the movie was about
And you’ll laugh and ask why I went alone
And I’ll lie and say I thought everybody’d already seen that one
But you would have gone
You would have gone
Oh you would have, you would have gone
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SPD – Week 1 & 2.
Week 1
Wasn’t so bad. I met some really cool people and got to work with some people I had trained with. The first day was in Alameda at SJNDHS. One girl in particular, Sarah. She reminds me of me a lot, which is awesome because she knows her stuff and is a great teacher. During one of our breaks, we started talking about what she does during the off-season. She mentioned that she does video editing and sound, and she did this on a cruise ship. They also hire photographers, which I thought would be awesome! She told me I should look into it. I applied at this central place that caters to all the cruise lines, but I think it would help if she gave me a good word, which I’m hoping she will. I could be going to any number of places, including the Caribbean, the Mediterranean, or Northern Europe. I’m excited at just the possibility of such an adventure.
Second day at work, at TRMS, I met Joe. He’s really awesome. I’m not sure which I did more of: work or joke. I love meeting people I immediately click with. I also worked with a couple people from training. I’m looking forward to working with J again at the elementary schools.
Friday I worked at ASH, in Antioch. I had to be there at 12:30p, so I could sleep in a little. : D Although that seemed like a good idea, I honestly got up at 9a. I met these two guys who are Spanish speakers that photograph weddings and events together. Then on Sundays, they’re clowns. As in, afro wig, white paint, big red shoe clowns. They were also very cool to work with.
I’m a little concerned at where I’ve been placed. I want to be challenged, I like to be challenged, but so far its been smooth sailing. Not that doing an easy task doesn’t have its good times, and I’m happy to have a job at all, but I would like some opportunity to be on-camera more often. Thursday was great because J just let me on-camera and didn’t really bother me. Later though, he went through the photos and told me what I could have done better. I recognize what’s lacking, so I’m looking forward to working in that.
Week 2
Its only the second day, but I’ve learned so much. I was at JAMS yesterday and today. I’ve met Val, Jenn, and Vicki so far. Val is awesome. She let me photograph a few kids today and told me what I can work on to be better. When she left me alone I seemed to do better. I have the, “looking over my shoulder” syndrome, which means I get really nervous and perform poorly when someone is looking over my shoulder.
Vicki is also awesome. She told me (in her Asian accent) that I, “need to find a boyfriend.” haha I guess Angie isn’t the only one who gets that.
A lot of gossip going on yesterday and today. I really try not to get sucked into that…but its not easy. Its a conscious effort to refrain from adding to their comments. Such as, there’s this sales rep that came in and he seemed cool…we seemed to get along well. After he left yesterday, one of the girls says she can’t stand him and tells me he’s two-faced. I honestly cannot believe that someone could be that way. I understand its out there, but its something I can’t do. He was in today and taking photos with his phone. I called him on it and he flat-out lied to me. I wonder who he’s sending these pictures to and if they really care. We got the job done and we were on time. The ladies helping out also said we did “great!” so what are the secret photos for??
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Lifetouch.
I officially start working tomorrow, but last week and Thursday/Friday of the week prior was training. Paid training. Going into this, I had it in my head I was gonna work with high school kids…that way I could get into the senior portrait division, but God had other plans.
Skipping back to the first day of training. We all sit down, put on our newly acquired (more like newly hand-written) nametags and await instructions. First off, grab a partner and ask them 3 questions about them. Most of them said things such as, “This is Catie. She likes movies, music, and photography.” My partner, Tashelga, asks me where I’m from, how old I am, and about my purity ring. Answers: Alaska, 30, and my purity ring represents my sexual purity before God. I told her that I grew up in the church with those values, but as a young adult, decided to do my own thing and eventually came back to those original values and morals. She wrote all of this down to tell the class. Immediately, I felt really nervous…anxious…and nervous again. I wasn’t ready for the judgements I was sure to receive (or so I thought). As she started talking though, I felt this wave of peace over me. Suddenly it didn’t matter what others were thinking. A couple of people actually came up to me during the week and asked me about it. One girl said she was planning on buying one after hearing my story. That’s pretty cool when you can influence someone’s life in a positive way. I don’t have much experience with that, so its sort of a big deal for me.
Later in the week I started noticing people missing at the beginning of the day. Supposedly 12 people have left since the beginning of training. One guy got fired on the last day of training. That would be so awful, considering how tough it is to find employment these days. Another guy came back from lunch a little more energized than usual. Turns out (I heard from someone else) I guess he was on speed or something. Awesome. My thought is, if I can get through this, anyone can. However, you never know what someone’s life entails.
There was a younger girl I trained with that I wanted to punch. I’m not a violent person at all and I probably wouldn’t have actually punched her, mostly because I realize what the consequences of my actions would be, but I thought if I didn’t, someone should. Anyway, she (as I did at that age) thinks she knows everything and is basically better than everyone else. She wanted to get into the senior portrait division as well. Along with not being a violent person, I’m also not an arrogant one…sometimes that works to my advantage, sometimes it doesn’t. She’s definitely the arrogant type, so she’ll probably get there and I’ll be doing the School Portrait Days (SPDs) all year. I really hope the “vets” like me enough to keep me around and put in a good word for me. The, “vets” are the people that have been there a while.
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Twists and Turns.
Life Update:
Living with the Waltenburg’s has been a most joyous experience. I (and many others) have noticed a change in my demeanor, attitude, and my overall outlook on life. And its not just external. My usual internal anxiety and nervousness hasn’t been as much of an issue lately. Now mind you, I am nowhere near perfect, nor am I pretending everything is fine when its not. And I still have a journey ahead of me…at least I see the light at the end of the tunnel now.
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broken and blessed.
I’m in this. In this place for a reason.
Last week my roommate & I parted ways. It was sudden, but expected. There had been signs for months, including a dream she had about moving in June. Looks like we have a winner! Of course, this instilled some fear in me. Fear of where I would go, fear of how I would get there, and fear of leaving something that had been so comfortable for over 2 years. Funny enough, I ended up getting out of there before she did. I went to a party, found out I had to move, someone asked about it, and someone else said they had a room for me. Simple. Its true God orchestrates miracles even today. He chooses to bless even when we fail. Money fail, job fail, friendship fail. However, I’m thankful for each and every one of those. They all brought me to where and who I am today. This sunny (and slightly breezy) Friday afternoon.
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ready.
While in Africa one morning, I opened my bible up to Jeremiah Ch. 1. I had been ill for a couple days, not able to keep anything down, and decided to stay back at the hotel to rest.
This is the excerpt I read:
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,5 ”Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” 6 ”Ah, Sovereign LORD,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.” 7 But the LORD said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD.9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”
I’m reading this and realizing how much I have in common with this guy. He felt ill-equipped for his calling and even got mad at God for what he thought was Him not coming through. It blows my mind to think that God placed a calling on my life before I was even born…even a twinkle in my father’s eye. EVEN knowing all of my shortcomings, all of my “failures,” all of my pitfalls…my Heavenly Father STILL loves me. He knew every time I would dishonor and deny Him, but yet he still forgives and loves and blesses. I’m thankful that the Holy Spirit comes upon us and equips us with His words and His wisdom. I am also thankful for God’s provision over my daily life. He keeps me alive – literally. He has instilled a purpose within me, to be His mouthpiece, to be his servant. Now, I do fail…but I am continually raised up and ready to begin where I left off. I look forward to more calling and more leading, as uncomfortable as it may seem.
I’m in a bit of a pickle at the moment. My finances are depleted and it looks as though I might be evicted from my apartment. I don’t know what the next couple of weeks hold for me, but I know God is in control and He will lead. He brings me through these circumstances to show me that HE and HE alone is in control. He’s teaching me to trust in Him completely. As scared as I am about moving and losing some friends as a result, I do realize (or I’m beginning to realize) that 1) there are consequences to my actions and 2) this is just one step closer to becoming the woman of God He has called me to be.
I felt so ill-equipped and unprepared for the journey to Africa, not knowing what to expect or how I would handle certain situations. I soon realized however, that stepping out in faith and obeying God’s calling was all I needed to do. God would take care of the rest. He totally blessed me and equipped me to do what He has called me to do. He used my gifting for His kingdom, and at the same time showed me a world I never thought I would see.
I’m certain He is not done.
“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
-Philippians 1:6
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a letter.
Dear Friend,
I didn’t mean to be such a jerk. I know what I said wasn’t exactly the best way to convey my feelings. I tend to overreact and not think about what I’m saying before I say it…I know it may not seem like it, but I AM working on it. I can be very self-focused and be quite neglegant of other people I care about.
I never expected you to be perfect. No one is. It doesn’t matter what you didn’t say or how you said what you said…what matters is what I said and how unneccessary it was. I hope someday you can forgive me and I can try again. I won’t promise it won’t happen again…but I will try.
~Corinne.
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